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The Study of What If: Question of The Week
 

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▣ How do I know if it belongs to me?

posted by admin on February 28th, 2010 at 7:28 PM

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Have you ever had someone in your life that made you feel bad about yourself; made you feel inferior; made you feel as if everything that goes wrong is your fault?

 

My general prescription for handling someone like this is to take a deep breath, smile, thank them for their comment(s), and remove oneself from their general vicinity; thus, saving and/or reclaiming any energy which may have been donated/lost to this individual. 

 

 

My general prescription for handling someone like this is to take a deep breath, smile, thank them for their comment(s), and remove oneself from their general vicinity; thus, saving and/or reclaiming any energy which may have been donated/lost to this individual. 

 

  

Why this prescription?  Because what usually happens is…

·         if we do not stop the conversation at this point, we become defensive.  Our first reaction in these situations is to defend ourselves especially when we feel attacked, threatened, or weak (when our energy is depleted or low, we are in a weakened state), and we go into a defensive mode which depletes our energy levels even more.   AND then we start spewing hurtful words at the perpetrator; who, in turn, becomes defensive and spews hurtful words back at us, and so the battle can escalate into an all-out energy drain.  Yes, of course, when the adrenaline rush hits, we are energized to fight even harder; but when all is said and done and the dust settles, we are exhausted and hurt, and probably have said words to each other that we both seriously regret and have to work extremely hard to reclaim (if we can reclaim them).  Really, no one wins! 

·         or, on the other side of this coin, you accept their criticism and punch holes in your auric-body which scatters your physical and emotional energy to the perpetrator and opens you to attacks by other entities and attackers. This may be great for the other person, but it costs you your energy and your health; and you walk around always feeling and acting defensive, hurt, and weak/inferior/powerless.    

 

PRESCRIPTION:  As stated above, take a deep breath, smile, thank them for their comment(s) (if needed, tell them you will think about what they have said), and walk away. 

NOTE:  If you cannot walk away, then change the subject. 

 

Complete the conversation… It is very important to complete a conversation; for example, saying thank you before you walk away and/or change the subject.  If a conversation is incomplete, this incomplete conversation keeps draining your energy (at this point, remember to think about the invisible strings attached to you).  Incomplete conversations can cost you energy for years/decades/a lifetime; and because it is an invisible drain, you often are not even aware of it.

 

OK, what if their comment(s) hits home; what if what they said was accurate or partiallly accurate?

My first direction is the same prescription as given above (smile, thank them, let them know that you will think about what he/she said, and then remove yourself from their general vicinity or change the subject; thus, saving and/or reclaiming any energy loss). 

OR, if you are feeling good about yourself and you can maintain a neutral position, you might want to ask for clarification if the negative statement is unclear; for example, if the statement is, “you dress poorly.” You might ask, “In what way do you feel my attire can be improved?” Always ask for an improvement, never for additional vague criticism.

 

What if feedback is legitimate and needed?

There are times when someone is doing something to you or your loved ones or co-workers that needs to be rectified and you should speak up. That is, tell the offender what they are doing to damage the relationship; keep in mind though, that sometimes this makes you the culprit.   

 

Here we start again by examining your motives using the same three areas given above, and then adding:

·         keep the feedback (criticism) to one specific problem and don't escalate into motivational reasoning (e.g., cleaning the office refrigerator is a rotated assignment and you aren't doing your share of clean ups).

·         give yourself permission to feel uncomfortable.  This allows you to give corrective feedback. Though this feedback often seems like criticism, it has a positive goal (same example, the office refrigerator smells if people don't take care of cleaning it).

·         remain in present time!

 

What if you say something hurtful to someone?

If you have said or done something that cost or hurt someone, please apologize.  Avoid defending what you said/did; apologize and move on.  If you think that defending your words/actions will somehow justify what you said/did or even if you can prove their accuracy, remember that the other individual is interpreting your words/actions through their jar’s software.  In their interpretation, they are hurt; even if your jar’s software says that you are justified and/or that they should not be hurt.   Examine your motives…

·         are you reacting out of anger, frustration, or low energy?  Will you feel the same way after a good night’s rest?

·         will your words/actions fix the situation?  Perhaps offering to help the person will solve the crisis rather than escalate it into a war of words.

·         are you attacking for personal reasons?  Has this person been aggravating you and you saw an opening and took it?  Maybe before you act, you can take a deep breath and consciously decide on the action you wish to take.

 

OK back to you…

If someone’s remarks to you ring with some accuracy/truth…

·         follow the prescription given above (smile, thank them, let them know that you will think about what he/she said, and then remove yourself from their general vicinity or change the subject; thus, saving and/or reclaiming any energy loss).

·         when you have time, jot down what was said on a sheet of paper.

·         then, examine the contents in your jar that pertain to this item.  Make a list of the beliefs you own about it – where did these beliefs originate; why do you continue to own them; are you ready to release them?  Often times, we continue to own beliefs because they feed our general self-esteem or lack thereof.  It is always easier to blame someone else or something so that we do not have to step up and take responsibility; thus, when these beliefs are brought to our attention through hurtful words/relationships, we can always play victim and tell ourselves that it is because we are … or … or … (fill in the … with those limiting beliefs you own about yourself). AND then, we can either give our energy away by feeling inferior or depressed or we can sacrifice our energy by going to battle to defend ourselves.

 

How do I release old beliefs that no longer serve me?

Let’s start here by defining the word, release.  Release indicates letting go.  Our goal is to release the influence these beliefs have over us.  Let me add here that until you are in the present time/moment, these influences are at work, but you are unaware of their impact.   You may be angry, depressed, sad, low on energy, etc.; all the while believing these symptoms are caused by your diet, sleep patterns, health, too much work, family problems, etc. 

 

Once you have the belief that you desire to release…take a moment to think about how this belief has affected your life; e.g.,

·         did the belief guide your choices?

Perhaps you hold a belief that marriage represents security, safety, love, and is ever lasting, so you marry the first guy who proposes to you because you really want to get out of your parent’s house and be independent.  (Keep in mind that you may now be independent of your parents, but you are now probably quite dependent on your spouse.)   One day you find out that your spouse has betrayed you; but you decide to stay in a bad marriage because you used the belief that you must have done something to deserve this, e.g., you are not pretty/smart enough; your parent cheated and the marriage stayed together so even though you are miserable, you will stay too?  

·         did the belief help you survive a tough time in your life, but now it keeps you from feeling safe/secure?

Perhaps you have the belief that if your parent is abusive to you, you must deserve it because parents only hurt us because they love us and want to help us learn?   Or you grew up in a family with an abusive or alcoholic parent and you took on the belief that you deserve the abuse because you are a bad person or you spoke too loudly, or you got an A- instead of an A+ on your report card?  Or your parent drinks too much because life is too hard and alcohol makes life more tolerable?   And, because this is your parent, you love him/her and you take on this abuse because that is what one does for the person they love.   Are you yet ready to change these beliefs to one that says “I am a good person, I deserve to be treated with respect and kindness.”?  When our definition of love keeps us in dangerous and abusive situations; it is time to redefine “love.”

·         did the belief make happy times for you, but now depresses you?  

In this respect, let’s look at family traditions, such as Christmas or Hanukah, where the family gathered together and life was good and a time when you always looked forward to the celebrations and gifts; so the belief was that Christmas/Hanukah are great and wonderful times.  However, today, some of your family has died, some have moved across the country or even the world and cannot be with you during this holiday, your current finances keep you from the level of gift giving that you used to do, you are alone instead of in great gatherings; so now at this time of year, you get sad and depressed because your belief says that this is supposed to be a great and wonderful time of year and it is not. 

·         is the belief a superstition, such as “don’t walk under a ladder?” Or, “don’t step on the cracks?”    Are you ready to let these go?

·         does the belief hold you back?  For example, do you believe that you are not smart enough, so you under-achieved in school, even in life up to the present?

·         does the belief feed a feeling of lack or fear of lack? Did you become a hoarder? I don’t mean an extreme one like those that get on Oprah Winfrey; but one that has clothes stuck back in the closet that fit you five years ago, but would not now fit you even after serious alteration (if you are honest). Then the fact is that even if you go on a diet and get on a good exercise program (not the reality show kind), it would take you months of dedicated exercise to fit into those outfits in your closet; and even then they would be so out-of-date, it would be a punishment to wear them. And, men this applies to you too; you’re lying to yourself if you say those suits and shirts never go out of style. The other places to look for clutter are in the kitchen, garage and storage closet; if something is in there unused for five years, it is ready to go to a local recycling organization (e.g., Salvation Army store, etc.). Yes, I know your jar’s argument; “As soon as I give this away or throw this away, I’ll need it.” Here’s a little suggestion, get a permanent marker and put the date used on things and then you can tell how long it sits around just gathering dust. The other trick question is to honestly ask, “When is the last time you kept your car in the garage?”

 

What to do?   

Create a new paradigm (model/map) for the belief…

·         In the example about making choices, affirm that “I am safe and secure; I attract only that which is for my highest good.”

·         In the example regarding the Christmas/Hanukah belief, your new paradigm could be that “Christmas/Hanukah is the time of year to communicate with people, especially the people I love; a time to remember the gatherings of years passed and feel the love that was shared; a time to gift, but gifts of love, home-made items, cards with shared memories/stories, small affordable, thinking of you gifts that fall within the current budget; but most of all, a time to be happy and grateful to be!”  

·         In the example about the belief of not being smart, you can create the new paradigm, “I am capable and tenacious!” 

·         Regarding a fear of lack, this one relates to your belief about trust, i.e., trusting that you have enough (food, clothing, dollars); especially that you will always have enough.  You may believe that you are too poor to go out and buy new clothes, so you keep these clothes because you may need them. 

NOTE: Try giving these clothing items away and you will most likely find  that the opportunity is there for new clothes, e.g., your best friend buys you a couple of new outfits, or you get a pay raise, or you win the lottery and you can afford to buy new clothes.   

Our belief about lack keeps us lacking.  If we hold on to the old, there is no room for the new to enter in.  

Your beliefs about lack/trust also spill over into relationships (can I trust my spouse/best friend/boss/co-worker/etc.); OR we stay in bad relationships because we fear there is no one out there to replace the person we hold onto; OR we hold onto a bad/energy draining job because we fear there is no other job out there for us.  And the list goes on…and on.

 

Own the new paradigm!  Bless the original belief, thank it, and then take ownership of your new paradigm.  Every time the old thought pattern creeps up, thank it and release it again and again, until it stops creeping up; remember to forgive yourself and give yourself permission to learn and change. You are a beautiful and creative work in-progress.

 

Keep in mind

that all of our interactions and relationships and the stuff that happens to us is always giving us a glimpse of who we are and what we hold in our jars.  Rather than waste your energy to defend your jar, take time to review and examine its contents.  Then release and transmute what you can; and if you still feel that you need to defend a belief, do so in present time, taking ownership and responsibility for the belief.

 

last edited on May 9th, 2010 at 2:05 PM

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